An 11 year old girl who was facing an internal battle.

An 11 year old girl who was living in bondage and didn’t even realize it.

An 11 year old girl who would struggle with pornography on and off for five years.

That 11 year old girl was me.

This is my testimony.

How’d my struggle with pornography begin? To say the least, sexual abuse and exposure to sex at a very young age led to a lustful heart, and soon pornography entered the picture. And once I started watching porn, I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I thought about it during school, during church, and during time with my family and friends. Every time I had the opportunity to be alone, which was mostly late at night, I would watch porn. Pornography gave me a feeling of excitement and control. I felt like I was in my own secret world that nobody knew about, including God. I felt like it was wrong, but since nobody knew, it was okay. I believed that since I was still doing all the “right” things, as in reading my bible, praying, and going to church, there was no problem with it.

It wasn’t until my freshman year of high school that I began to feel ashamed. Around that time, I was leading my own small group, I was understanding the Bible more, and I was growing in my relationship with God. I truly wanted to live a lifestyle of purity, but I couldn’t break free from pornography. I would repent to God, and I would be good for a couple of months and then relapse. I would repent to God again, and I would be good for a couple of more months and then relapse again. This cycle would go on for about two and a half years. I felt like a failure. I felt like there was no way I was ever going to be free from this sin. I felt like I was in this ongoing battle of my flesh vs. God’s Spirit. My flesh enjoyed the excitement and thrill of watching porn, but once I closed my laptop and went to bed, the Holy Spirit’s conviction came knocking on the doors of my heart. Even though the Holy Spirit showered me with correction, love, and comfort, I felt condemnation, hate, and disgust. I was tired of feeling that way. I was tired of disappointing myself and God. I was tired of trying to keep it together while, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally, I needed help.

I reached a point where my soul couldn’t take it anymore, and I knew I needed to make a change.

December 31st, 2016 is when I made that change. I made a vow to God that, through him, I would never watch pornography again. I vowed that I would respect him, the body, and the mind that he gave me. I vowed that I would not choose to live in this bondage.

After I made that vow, I spent time praying, fasting, and truly seeking the Lord. I had to spend time in God’s presence and allow his grace to wash me clean. I had to allow the Holy Spirit to break those chains off of my life.

I had to write down when I felt tempted to watch pornography. I had to guard my heart.  I had to pay careful attention to what I listened to, what I watched, and who or what I followed on social media.

I know it sounds like a lot, but each part was significant in the process of gaining my freedom. I had to adjust some practical, everyday things in my life and add more spiritual and godly things to my life.

I had to get to the point where I loved God and hated porn.

Was it a hard journey to freedom? Honestly, for me, not really. Once I made that vow and got God involved, it was just a matter of discipline and obedience.

Did I have support during the time I struggled with pornography? Yes, my mother and my youth pastor were my accountability partners. They did all that they could do, but it was ultimately up to me to decide if I wanted to live that way.

Do I still have a desire to watch pornography? No. No desires whatsoever.

How’d I know I needed to make a change? I got tired of doing the same thing over and over and expecting to go deeper in my relationship with God.

Do I still struggle with lust? Yes, and I have to constantly ask the Holy Spirit to help me guard my thoughts.

Am I still adjusting some things and adding some things to my life? Of course, it’s a daily process. I have to always be careful because the devil knows my weaknesses.

Is my life perfect now? Of course not.

But through God’s grace, I am free from the prison of pornography.

Romans 6:8

“Now you are free from your slavery to sin, and you have become slaves to righteous living.”